Tilly and Elmer - The Sexy Seniors of South Branch
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Now, ten Tilly and Elmer stories, brought together under one cover. Tilly and Elmer are an Iowa couple, married nearly fifty years, who are still fond of each other and know what to do about it. They aren’t as athletic as they used to be, but by virtue of long experience and a sense of humor, they manage to have plenty of sexy fun anyway. Sweet, funny, nostalgic, and a little dirty. Sometimes more than a little.
Scroll down for links to individual stories. The Sexy Seniors of South Branch is available in paperback from:
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Individual Stories in the Sexy Seniors of South Branch Series
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Another hilarious Tilly and Elmer adventure! Tilly has waited nearly fifty years to show Elmer the sights in San Francisco where she spent her college days. Finally, the fiftieth reunion of her graduation class provides the perfect excuse. Elmer has always been a little unsure what kind of shenanigans Tilly was involved in while she was in San Francisco, and now he's not sure he wants to find out. The trip turns out to be a great success though, from their scandalous discovery of the pleasures of sex on a train, to Elmer's first experiences with nude beaches and marijuana, and the extra special pleasures that even a couple of sexagenarians can enjoy on beaches that are nearly deserted. They enjoy the trip so much that then even find a way to bring a bit of California back to South Branch, Iowa.
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Tilly and Elmer like to spice up their love life now and then with a mildly risky romp, but their decision to enjoy a quickie on the kitchen floor was perhaps made too hastily. Although they are just as much fun as ever, quickies aren't as quick as they used to be and it's easy to get distracted and forget that your adult children are coming for dinner.
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As she does every fall, Tilly begins to worry that she and Elmer are getting into a boring routine and resolves to find some new adventures to get them out of it. Her plan this time is to take an acting class at the local community college. She convinces Elmer to join her in her academic pursuits by signing up for a yoga class. When she is cast as an expert kisser in the class play and Elmer’s yoga instructor asks him to pose for her artist’s drawing group however, each begins to wonder whether they are getting a little too far out of their old routine.
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As soon as Tilly pulls the latest issue of “Women’s Excitement” magazine out of her shopping bag, and begins to read the romantic advice article, “Four Ways to Drive your Man Crazy in the Bedroom”, she and Elmer are propelled unexpectedly into a shocking mélange of dancing and Dr. Pepper, melon balls and bacon, panties and peacock feathers, corsets and dog collars. In the end, they each succeed in driving the other crazy, but they have fun on the way, and so will the reader.
Critics have called this episode the best “Tilly and Elmer” since the last “Tilly and Elmer”. High praise indeed! Available from these retailers: |
Revised cover for "Gold Star" edition.
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Move over Dr. Zhivago. Step aside, Boris Pasternak. Don’t even think about it, Omar Sharif.
Unknown author, Gene Clements, has created a frigid love story covering fifty years of romantic hardships, set against harsh Midwestern winters and bruised by lumpy, snow covered woodlands. You’ll smile as the young Matilda cleverly ensnares a teenaged Elmer in a web of sexual desire, gasp as she nearly freezes to death as the result of a clumsy romantic gesture, blush as it’s revealed who else knows his secret, recoil at his heartbreaking attempt, a half century later, to reprise a lifelong yearning, and find your spirits lifted (especially if you have a stiff drink in hand) by the story’s touching climax. Warning: 1. After reading this arctic romance, some readers have found themselves attempting to suppress an inward desire to speed up global warming. 2. Due to the icy nature of the work, it is recommended that it only be read during the summer, with the air conditioner turned off. This strategy can help neutralize the frigidity of the writing, help save the planet, and lower your electric bill. Available from these retailers:
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Elmer and Tilly Go to Las Vegas to try and recapture the fun they had there thirty years earlier. They DO have fun, but they find out that whatever happens in Vegas doesn't always stay in Vegas.
What the critics are saying: "Except for the first paragraph, I couldn't understand a word of it. And what's a carburetor?" M.C. "This man is sick." Dr. H. "The best 'Tilly and Elmer' I've ever read..." B.O. "I'm thinking of sending the author my Nobel Prize ... but not the money." A.M. "I couldn't stop crying..." J.B. "Pure trash. An example of what's wrong with America..." J.D. |
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The newest blockbuster from soon to be unheralded author, Gene Clements. Tilly and Elmer's 50th Class Reunion is the vast and complex tale of a bitter fifty year rivalry that suddenly erupts in an explosion of shocking facial expressions; of unfulfilled dreams lost, and weight gained. A thrilling story of foreplay under the moonlight and carnal lust imagined under cool white fluorescent lighting.
You’ll thrill to the clumsy drawings and inept writing of what critics have called the author’s best work since “What I Liked Best About our Field Trip to the Chuckles Candy Factory” from fourth grade. So find a comfy chair, fix yourself a tall gin and tonic, and settle in for three minutes of the best reading you’ve experienced since you pitched out the junk mail a few minutes ago. Available from these retailers: |
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Elmer and Tilly fans, all three of them, are in for a treat! Still inept writer, Gene Clements, has outdone himself with this molten cocktail of fluid bodies and bodily fluids.
In “Skinny-Dipping Scandal”, a promising summer morning turns into an afternoon of viscous debauchery when an oblivious Tilly and Elmer find themselves unexpectedly flushed into a whirlpool of depravity. This epic story flows over sun drenched skin, cascades across naked bodies splashed with torrents of natural fluids, spurts over copious juices massaged into secret places, and meanders silently around inundated lovers. Warm, golden hued, but repulsive liquids are splattered onto bare flesh and unwisely consumed. Human emissions dribble down unwilling faces and drip from silent lips. Young fingers produce a gush of hot nectar to be swallowed in spite of rumored health risks. Trans fat saturated products flood undammed into eager, unclothed bellies. The shocking mortification of the ending will have you clutching your throat and reaching for the gin and Pepto-Bismol. Not for the faint of heart, this story may leave you afraid to leave the house, whether your destination is the woods, or your local diner. Caution: Do not drink coffee while reading the final four paragraphs. Available from these retailers: |
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From its opening revelation at an innocent card party, Truck Tryst is a riveting look at an afternoon that changed the evening plans, and perhaps their plans for many evenings to come, for a couple of sixty eight year old Midwesterners. Bored with the routine of their lives, Tilly and Elmer embark on a dangerous expedition, the unlikely vehicle for which is a 1952 Chevy pick up truck which remains parked in the driveway throughout the trip. Even though the journey covers no distance at all, along the way we learn about concession, limberness lost, misfortune, and the power of love to make everything feel good in the end.
From commonplace circumstances, Clements has woven together a story that covers the grand themes of American literature; secrets revealed, conflict and compromise, the great journey, and tragedy leading to new discoveries. The author has an uncanny ability to penetrate into the darkest recesses of human desire and not find anything of interest. |
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In this sizzling story of summer in the Midwest, Gene Clements has written the hottest Tilly and Elmer yet. Elmer and his friend Eddie go fishing in hopes of keeping cool on a hot Iowa afternoon, while Tilly plans to enjoy the heat by reading a pornographic novel. Her afternoon gets even hotter when Johnson, a young arborist, comes to trim the oak tree in her backyard. Tilly's offer of a cool gin and tonic fails to cool things off, and by the end of the afternoon, things have gotten hotter, wetter, and stickier than she expected. Not that she has any complaints, at least until the morning after, when she has to replant the bed of maidenhair ferns next to the garage.
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